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| Chapter 6: The lone heroine...
Claire wandered through the desolate castle, wondering why all was so quiet in the land of the spam. Having barely survived being pushed out of the helicopter by demon hunter commander in chief DavidHenchey, she crept through the silent black labrynth that was spam central... the key base for all things demonicly spammy. She was by herself... a lone heroine, our only hope of saving the entire planet (chess server) from invasion of the demon spammers.
Yet was she lost? every turn led to another long hall of empty cans of salami and teh rotting corpses of trial members. Carved into the walls were a primative form of communication, that looked to be centuries old. Claire glanced at the symbols, wondering what this gibberish could mean.
"0/\/\gZ0Rz 73|-| 5p4m |)3/\/\0/\/z \/\/1Ll 347 y0|_|r Z0\/\/L!!!!!!!11111shift1shift1111xdlolzrozomgwtfbbqrofl!!!!!111" --- said the message on the wall.
"Hmmm... looks strangely familiar" Claire observed... not giving it a second thought, clueless that the message was a dire warning foretelling her immenant fate at the hands of the spam demons...
Finally though, there was hope. Almost dead from the strange messages (The word "0\/\/N3|)" seemed to show up a lot, obviosly these demons had a considerably low IQ) and smell of spam cans, Claire stumbled into a room lit with the dull hum of 20 or more computer screens.
"No... no... IT CANT BE!!!" declared a stunned Claire, looking at all the humming computer screens. (she was still wearing several thousand dollars worth of disguise material including a blond wig, lip gloss, clothes that were too small for a midgets pet hamster, and a T-shirt that read "Cute little Angel". She was the perfect dumb blonde.) This was the heart of the spam demons castle! "Now, all I have to do is shut down these computers and their evil tools of spamming will be no more!", she thought.
But she was too late. Before she could ready her bazooka (filled with an english dictionary and spellcheck program), dozens of shadowy figures lept towards her. She instantly recognized them as the spam demons... all of them... they had all been waiting. Ashley, Megan, goose, nick, joel, and countless other evil spamm demon thingys were instantly recognizable. They were joined by two new members to the soul sucking demon army, IchGesagNichts, and LordOfTheRings.
"AIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! DIE EVIL ONES!!! DIEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!" Claire screamed at the top of her lungs. Shaking off all of her blonde apperal, she instantly donned fifty hand grenades and a few full automatic chain guns. She now looked like the terminator. With english dictionary bazookas. And bacon bit blasters.
Yet her well armed arsenal was no match for the ferocity of the spam demons. Before she could fire a round, she was instantly attacked by her foes, captured, tied up, and in the evil spam demon dungeon of DOOM. (DUN dun dun... (Hey, had to get ONE of those in this chapter)) Yet with all hope almost gone, she suddenly remembered her super secret eyeball implant that was ingeniusly designed by cheeseboober the butler. Taking out her super secret duper uber attack pen (5 cents at wall mart) that was also ingeniously designed this time by Ashley (figures) before she turned to the dark side.
Claire stabbed her eye several hundred times with the blunt object until, after a good many hours, the radio recepticle fuzzed and came in. Maybe she was just having delusions from the sheer pain. (Ingenius implant design huh? The evil ones would never figure it out!) Finally, she blooped out a distress signal in morse code in the implant (Done by more pen poking, duh, how else?), that was picked up not by the home base spam fighters, but another department of the demon fighters.
It was Skwerlys attack force, the SR's. (Superduperuberlycooldemonhunting Rockers) "I hear a distress signal! We must save our friend Claire from the grasp of the evil demons!!! skwerly cried, while waving a sword and blowing on a primitve looking trumpet. (He's an old fogey, duh) ATTACK!!!!!!
And with that, Skwerly's Superduperuberlycooldemonhunting Rockers set out to save Claire from the evil dungeon of doom... | | |
| Chapter 5: The plan (DUN dun dun...)
So here we were, stuck, with no choice but to use fellow demon hunter Claire (Posing as a ditzy blond) to infiltrate the enemy base. This could be our toughest mission yet.
Readying our super duper ammo and camoflauge (Blue light special at Kmart, so hip bought extra toy guns and ammo for all.), we set out in our super duper attack copter with dual bazooka launchers. We were joined by Chrisnell... who 15 seconds ago in chat 4 announced "ChrisSnell(SR)(CA): luckily I haven't yet made it into David's blog".
Flying out uber attack copter over to the base of *counts* super evil hot chick megan, evil spammers goose and nick, Rita and Tpring (Who still had our shiny pink bikes --- Hip was more pissed than michael jackson without any little boys right now.), and good-but-turned-evil-in-last-chapter AshleyCarter and her evil bf sidekick "EvilEagleRockEatYourSoul" Joel. (Whom I just wrote into the script).
We were greeted exactly as expected. As we flew towards the evil secret spam base, we saw all of the evil spammers, lined up along the top wall of their base/castle of evil, keyboards in hand.
glorioso: YO FACE MIKE JONES DOOOOOOOOOOOOD X-( X-( X-(
npb3: (see above)
LiLMash9: And lieeeek i dunt have a bf 2 hrs into the first uf skool i think ill go kill myselfffff!!!!
EagleRockLA: I
EagleRockLA: dont
EagleRockLA: understand
EagleRockLA: the
EagleRockLA: concept
EagleRockLA: of
EagleRockLA: a
EagleRockLA: sentence
AshleyCarter: <random comment about lip gloss>
Tritaping: You'll never get your pink bicycles back!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (We had to restrain Hip with chains about now.)
The spam was flying from their keyboards faster than a straight dietician would run from Rosie O' Donnell. Yet it was met with instant modification. The commands flew fast from Skwerly, attempting to stave off the spam, as so we could get a chance to air drop Claire into the heart of hell/evil castle thingy. With lightning speed Skwerly deposited commands into www.gizoogle.com. (Have to look gangsta while demonic spammer battling, duh.)
Skwerly:In tha nizzle of Sk-to-the-W-to-the-erly tha almighty, I smite thee trolls wit tha powa of mah mutaciously awsome chillin' gangsta! die!!! evil ones!!! may ye all be tizzle smited upon this hallowedizzled uscl grizzle!!!
It didnt work. goose and nick were now in a rage, ghettoing out insults and yo faces's as fast as possible. Fortunately, this gave us enough time to push Claire out of our helicopter and head off, hoping she didnt splat on anything on the way down. Hmmmm... I hope i didnt push her too hard.... :-\
Me: Claire, come in! Come in Claire! Did you make it inside the enemy base!!! -- I chattered into the radio as he headed back to our base. There was no response, only static. Right now I was really thinking about the whole pushing her out of the copter idea.
Back at the secret base, we considered our next course of action. Since we didnt know if Claire had made it alive, we would have to consult our basemaster of all things antispam, XPlayer. Wait, no, he would probably just be busily involved taking pictures of his newest bong. Or using one, for that matter. So we consulted expert spam busters piggy and dvdlpzizzleness. dvd was busily working up a strategicly tactical plan that utilized our bases entire arsenal. Piggy wanted to kill them with bacon bits. Stuffed in bazookas. On 150000 fps. I liked the bacon bits idea more. So we loaded our super duper shipment of killer bazooka thingys with bacon bits, and headed back to save Claire..... | | |
| Chapter 4: Death at all sides...
So here was our demon fighting squad, trapped, forbidden from entering the lair of the bad dudes, by none other than Tritaping, the famed female foe. But our troup of Ashley the speedshopper, dvd the brave, Hip teh hipster, cheeseboober the butler, and me, supreme commander of demon fighting forces David Henchey, would not be enough for this menace. We would have to call for enforcements from our comrades!
Making the call on my cell phone, I fatally commited the worst mistake possible... :-X
I had turned my demon hunting back on the terrible monster Tritaping and Ashley. I had finished calling my demon fighting brethren piggy for backup... but then I was met with the worst. Ashley had begun to jabber away with the enemy!!!!
AshleyCarter: OMG liek so no duh I got dis CUTE skirt for skool, and i went shoppingz and got dis little earing thingy thats SOOOOOO cute looking, and den I went end bought.....
dvdlpz: :-X
HipBishop: :-X
cheesboober: :-X
Me: :-X
chessqueen4ever: U GO GURL!!!! liek omg i no wat u mean i went and got the saem cute little skirt too omgrofledmywaffled!!!11111
We were hit with sheer shock and terror. We had been betrayed by a girl... whos inability to restrain from mad shopping spreez and meaningless chatter looked to be our doom. But suddenly, I remembered the call I placed!
"Don't worry guys, demon hunter in arms piggy and Claire are on their way to save us!! Help will be here in a moment...."
We were in need... desperate need... As males, the mention of "shopping" and "sale prices" and "no limit credit cards" were like arrows through our brainz. As we struggled to survive, (And Ashley continued to torture us with talk about lip gloss and some cute boy at her school), we saw off in the distance help... immesurable help...
"Yes!!!" I struggled to mumble as I slowly felt life leaving me. "Were saved!"
It was Claire and piggy. dabigpig, a professional social loser, was instantly helping out by his presence, which was already beginning to scare away the girls with his nerdiness. And Claire was so smart her genius'ness'es instantly combatted blond chatterboxes. Yes, these hero and heroine might yet save us.
"Nooo... must... talk... about... cute... new... undies..."Ashley struggled to whisper... --as she shriveled to the ground in horror (Like that evil witch of the west chick in that one oz movie) at the fact another female might exist who didnt want to talk about hair accessories all day--.
This was our chance for escape. fortunatly, demon fighting comrades Claire and piggy had brought a speedboat. A SUPER ESCAPE SPEEDBOAT. (DUN dun dun...) As we dashed away in the super escape speedboat in a nearby river*****, we could here Ashley cackling and crying out how she would have our revenge on us traitors. "I'll get you someday!! How dare you not want to talk about toe rings!!!!!!!" she cried. We sped back to our super duper demon hunting base to consider our next course of action.
Back at the base, we needed to formulate a plan in order to get inside the evil dudes base. We had just lost another comrade in demon hunting arms. We now only had one female left with our team. cheeseboobers testosterone level was at an all time low also, in a completely unrelated matter.
So it was now it finally had sunk in that Ashley had joined with the evil spam demons Megan, Rita, and T'pring. AND they still had our shiny pink bikes. Hip was really upset over that.
So after brainstorming for several hrs (We had fired our philosopher Solomon because he called my epic retarded... hmmm... meh, might as well just say we killed him off.), Claire had discovered a plan.
"I think ive got the answer to get into the base guys!" she exclaimed. "I'll pose as a blond cheerleader in order to sneek my way in..."
We were all gripped with terror. Could Claire too be turning into a ditzy blond?! No... it couldnt be. And she was our only hope of attack. We HAD to get rid of evil angry face spammers Nick and Goose. Or die trying... (DUN dun dun...)
***** Authors note: Don't ask about the river. I ran about of ideas and just wrote it into the script. same with the speedboat. And the... golly darnit just read the story :-X | | |
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